#3. When You Want Holiday Plans to be Fun for Everyone

• Don’t rely on your assumptions about what everyone really needs or wants.
• DO… talk a few times beforehand about what your loved ones really enjoy about the holidays, family time, winter break.

Why This Works…

What’s important to you about celebrating the holidays? It has probably changed over time! In the beginning, you and your partner may have delighted in getting your kids that special gift they were most longing for. And because the kids were open about what they wanted, agreeing between the two of you was easy! But now, if everyone’s grown and changed, and making other people happy isn’t as simple as buying them things.

You’ve come to realize, too, that you can’t really control other people’s feelings. Happiness is an ‘inside job,’ as the saying goes.

Maybe now, you’re seeing the time together as more of a chance to help your family members bond with each other. Maybe you’d like to experience each other’s sense of fun. You want to help everyone just enjoy each other’s company come what may.

How to Find What Matters to Your Loved Ones

Here are some suggestions for conversation starters to explore what your family members would find most meaningful.

• Plan to spend dinner together as a family as much as you can. Share what you’re thinking and feeling or remembering about past holidays. Ask your family members about their memories and experiences. By jogging their memories, they may suggest things they’d like to do again this year.
• Look around for special holiday activities to explore with your family. Is there a list of local holiday lights displays? Is a family member singing or performing in a concert you could attend? Would someone like to get away for a day on a nature hike?
• Try something new together. Is there a local event, a sports game or new restaurant to explore? Has it been a while since you visited a certain museum or gallery? Maybe you’d like to try baking a favorite recipe inspired by one of your experiences earlier in the year. Ask whether loved ones would like to help you in your new adventure, such as going grocery shopping for that unusual ingredient, or decorating or arranging your creation.

Tips for Positive Family Brainstorms!

Here are helpful ideas for to get family members engaged in brainstorming with you:

As parents, take the role as gentle leaders.
Invite everyone to join in talking about “what will make the holidays fun for us.”

Take the ages of the children into account.
Younger children might not have ideas about what activities are available or affordable! Ask around, and offer some suggestions.

Older children might outgrow activities they enjoyed in prior years.
Work to include new ideas as your children grow and change.

Plan B: Agree to Disagree.
Maybe there isn’t any one outing that everyone agrees is fun. You don’t have to do everything together. If going to see the lights show is important to the younger ones, but not others, plan to take the ones who want to go.

Encourage Open Minded Listening
Take in each new idea with curiosity, rather than judge it right away. If a suggestion gets laughed at or shot down, set the tone for kindness: “Brainstorming means we treat each other kindly so everyone can feel okay about sharing their ideas.”